As a child, I came into this world a curious and sensual being who loved creativity, magic, and exploring nature. I felt no shame delighting in the things that brought me joy or seeking ways to meet my needs for pleasure and connection.
In many ways I had a wonderful childhood and benefited from the privileges of being raised in a loving, white, middle-class family. But unfortunately, once I began school in a conservative religious environment, it didn’t take me long to become indoctrinated with the belief that I was sinful and flawed for being a sensual, outspoken and larger bodied female.
image by @Lindseyerinluna
Every day for ten years I sat in religion class at Catholic school, as my impressionable mind was being molded and conditioned to believe that all types of pleasure were sinful because they were “of the flesh.” By age 8, purity culture was already heavily ingrained in my mind and body. I believed that all sexual activities besides heterosexual marital relations intended for procreation were evil, and that as the most holy of virtues for women were purity and subservience.
What made it worse was the emphasis on the temptation of the female body and how as girls we were to be as modest as possible as to not cause the men around us to fall into sin, (hello, rape culture.) Meanwhile, outside of school I was being exposed to a hyper sexualized, fatphobic and ego driven society which taught me that value and power for a woman comes from her beauty, “perfect” body, sexual appeal and ability to please men. Even though these messages were quite polarized, they carried a similar undercurrent: in order to be loved and valued as a female, I needed to be small.
Being in a bigger body, aware of my sexuality, and having no examples of females in positions of spiritual authority left me feeling as though I didn’t belong in culture or in church. The older I became, the more I was exposed to abusive and ignorant dogma in religion, the medical industry, and mainstream media. As a result, I deeply internalized toxic shame and perfectionism. I experienced an extreme split in my young psyche: part of me believed that my earthly body was dangerous, unclean and needed to be controlled like a sinful wild animal under threat of being “kicked out of the garden.” Another part of me could feel the power and pleasure of my sexual nature but had no healthy examples of how to embody or integrate that power without causing harm to myself and others. Due to the psychological, spiritual and emotional trauma rooted in my shame and guilt, I felt disconnected from all “parts” of myself. Eventually I began to experience chronic anxiety and formed a binge/restrict relationship to money, food and sexuality. This led me down a decades long path of yo-yo dieting, disordered eating and sabotaging behaviors.
I share this piece of my story not seeking pity or affirmation, but in solidarity. I am not here to criticize anyone's faith, but to bring awareness to the fact that belief is different than faith. While faith is the personal experience of something greater than ourselves, a love, consciousness or higher power that exists within our heart and has the ability to heal and transform; a belief is an idea or set of rules that we at some point accepted as truth. Belief systems rooted in dogmatic patriarchal ideology are incredibly damaging and are the breeding grounds of body negativity, toxic shame, distorted sexual expression and the inability to experience pleasure and intimacy, often impacting people for their entire lives. Many of the clients I work with are just beginning to unpack the amount of emotional and psychological damage and PTSD like symptoms that purity culture has caused them. They struggle, even within traditional heterosexual marriages, to feel safe expressing and exploring their desires without being overtaken by shame and anxiety.
The good news is that healing is possible, and I don't ask anyone to give up their faith in order to find safety and pleasure. I have not only experienced this liberation in my own life, but also have had the honor of witnessing my clients go through the same process. Coming home to the body and all of its wisdom is what allows our awareness to shift from that of our belief systems and thoughts to our visceral, felt experience of faith and belonging. Our bodies are physically hardwired for pleasure and connection, so reframing beliefs to include physiological knowledge of how the body operates doesn't need to replace faith, but rather can allow people to recognize that their sexuality is not only normal and human: it is sacred and by design. Depending on the severity of an individual's religious trauma, sometimes therapy is an important resource, and other times all people need is permission and the proper sexual education they deserved decades ago.
If you are seeking support to begin this process of coming home to your body I am currently taking on a few more 1:1 clients this fall. Click here to schedule your free consultation today.