The word “foreplay” literally means “before play” and is defined as:
1: erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse
or
2: an action or behavior that precedes an event
This term is problematic for several reasons.
Over all, the word foreplay reinforces the idea that the ultimate “goal” of any sexual experience is intercourse, and that any other form of sensual touch or connection such as, kissing, massage, mutual masturbation, oral stimulation, etc., are only a brief stop over (which is sometimes bypassed all together) to reach the “main event” of intercourse.
Also, the notion that vaginal and anal penetration are the only “real” forms of sex is rooted in our heteronormative cultural conditioning. Not only does this understanding delegitimize the sexual experiences of queer and disabled folks, but there are also many people, (especially people with vulvas,) who feel rushed into intercourse or penetration before their bodies have had the chance to reach full engorgement, have difficulty orgasming from penetration alone, and experience pelvic pain during and after penetration.
Replacing the word “foreplay” with “sensual play” or even “outercourse” can help reframe our intention and mindset during our sexual interactions. I often encourage my clients who struggle to reach orgasm, or who are experiencing blocks around pleasure in general, to focus on sensual play and take a break from intercourse all together until they cultivate a new approach to intimacy that feels satiating and relaxing.
This shift encourages us to be present with all sensations and acts of pleasure we experience with ourselves or with our partners, instead of viewing them through a hierarchical lens in which penetration and intercourse are at the top of the pyramid.