Why is it that some people find it more uncomfortable or intimidating to lovingly gaze into the eyes of another human being than to strip naked and merge bodies or exchange erotic energy?

It’s because allowing yourself to be completely seen by another and to share a space of intimacy, emotional closeness and connection is an extremely vulnerable act.

If you have been hurt or betrayed in the past by someone close to you, or if you struggle with low self-esteem, it may feel more natural or safe to tune out of the emotional body during sex and focus on the heightened physical sensations of pleasure and sexual energy building in your body.

There is nothing wrong with delighting in the senses in this way, but if you feel like you are “missing” something and wish to cultivate more depth, vulnerability and emotional attunement with yourself and your lovers, I recommend exploring intimacy practices in non-sexual situations first!

There are so many ways to engage in intimacy that don’t involve having sex. My personal favorites are singing, dancing, ritual, spending time in nature, creative sharing, eye gazing with others, mirror work (solo eye gazing), tantric union breathing and even capturing portraits!

Practicing non-sexual intimacy, either alone or with a trusted friend or lover, can provide a container for healthy exposure to new experiences of connection, rewriting and rewiring the past painful stories within your body and nervous system.

You may find it supportive to feel that you are safe to process any uncomfortable emotions that arise without having to worry about unconscious pressure to “not kill the mood,” (which is another very important conversation for another day! )

After engaging in non-sexual intimacy practices you can slowly and gently begin integrating them into your sexual experiences. This natural integration can help you to remain grounded and present in the moment rather than disassociating or tuning out of the emotional body during sex.

I also encourage everyone to practice engaging in more solo and platonic intimacy! Humans are hardwired for connection, but in the current times where so many people are overworked and overstimulated it’s easy to seek virtual connection or distractions rather than real life intimacy.

Next time you start to sense feelings of isolation, depression or loneliness creeping in, I invite you to put down your phone and seek connection with someone in the flesh. If you are physically alone, not surrounded by someone you trust or are feeling out of touch with yourself, find a comfortable and quiet place to sit where you won’t be disturbed.

Use a mirror to gaze into your eyes (I recommend staring into the left eye as it’s the receptive side of the body) and take several deep breaths.

Notice how often you want to look away?

Are any emotions arising?

Do you feel any bodily sensations such as warmth, resistance or clenching?

You can place your hands on your body for comfort as you continue to gaze and breathe.

Sit with yourself as long as you can, you can even speak loving words out loud to yourself if it feels authentic. You can ask questions if you are seeking clarity, or just sit in silence and explore your inner landscape through the windows of your soul.

When you are done feel free to journal about your experience.

If you are seeking tools or guidance around deepening intimacy with yourself or in your relationships, you can read more about my 1:1 and couple’s tantra coaching session offerings here.